Good Assholes

After our BBQ last night my sister Lauren, her boyfriend Matt, my girlfriend Brennan and I went to get some late-night frozen yogurt at YoCream, the one in Cascade Station. On the way there Lauren warned me that it was "going to be full of high schoolers." I was like "really?" Lauren reminded me that it was 10pm on a Saturday night... so it made sense.

As it turned out, she was absolutely right. It was totally crawling with a bunch of little buggers in from the suburbs. There were popped collars on polo shirts, backwards nike hats, cargo shorts, and a whole grip of people back from high school prom, a hundred people or more total.

Here's what I was thinking about while I got an eyeful of these dipshits:

When I was in high school I thought I was pretty cool, but my ego had it's limits. But there was always some facet of life that taught me some humility, something that kept me from thinking I was the hottest potato in town. For example: I had family who would bust my chops for the clothes I wore and my wild haircuts, there were dueche-y types at my school who tried to smear my good name by calling me a "faggot" when I wasn't around, and teachers who hated my guts and made me pay for all my good times. You get the idea? You know the people I mean? These are the guys you hate at the time but forget about as time wears on. It's kind of like a lamprey on a shark. The shark doesn't look nearly as badass with a bunch of wimpy fish sucking on it's belly. Get the metaphor? I'm talking about "ego balancers," folks. I had people that kept my ego in check so my sense of self worth didn't swell to an unrealistic size. These people are very necessary for a balanced perspective.

As an example: Israel currently has no "ego balancers." That's probably why they raid aid ships, bomb neighborhoods, and run over women with bulldozers.

Now listen here: no one's a bigger supporter of being "young and free" than I am. What I'm trying to say is that if every member of a populous thinks they are the hottest shit that ever lived, there would be a fight every 30 seconds on every city block. It'd be a fucking nightmare. Pompous, shit-for-brains jock mentalities would reign supreme.

I see a significant lack of "ego balancers" these days, especially with young, privileged white people.

Most of these suburban brats at YoCream seemed to have absolutely zero "ego balancers." These kids looked like a bunch of trust fund brats driving their parents SUVs, running free. Watching them run amuck while I enjoyed my Alpine Vanilla FroYo with gummy bears and cookie dough pieces was decent entertainment but I couldn't help feeling that it was my, or somebody's duty to remind these turds that they're not at the top of the social food chain.

So on our way back to the car I told Matt that he had a "mission." I told him he needed to hold his big, fur covered ass out my passenger window to remind these clowns that the universe doesn't revolve around them. So, sure enough, he did. On the way out of the parking lot I drove at about 4 MPH by about 75 kids. Some grimaced and reeled in horror, some smirked, and some just stared with awe as they got a full front view of Matt's winking brown eye (and enough ass hair for 3 regular dudes). I kept the pace awkwardly slow to savor the moment, laying on my VERY, VERY loud horn all the while. I was swimming in pure ecstasy.

It was a stark reminder that life doesn't revolve around Cadillac Escalades, allowance from mom and dad, and Kesha. Life is full of ugliness, sweat, and hair.

Now, this is just my opinion. This mooning could have simply been a high-schooler/twentysomething role reversal. Maybe we're just pricks, disillusioned with our adult lives. Or maybe we're right. Either way, it was a little slice of heaven.