Friends in High Places

It seems like there are more and more misconceptions, stereotypes, and broad generalizations about English Majors (and their consequent futures) than any other discipline, and that's really upsetting. They make my dick burn. Are we all penny-less dweebs? Pretentious losers who can't afford haircuts so they try to pull off the unkempt "french sophisticate" look? Dwellers of their moms basement? Librarians (who are fucking cool)? Borders employees?

Just ask these guys you see pictured up top if their upset with their English majors. And suck my penis.

I loved getting my education, and I loved my major. Sure there was a bad class here and there, but what field of study doesn't have a few turds floating in the pond? And why is being a smart, well-read, edgy, quiet, introverted motherfucker such a bad thing? Just because you're loud and annoying doesn't make the rest of us any less cool. Maybe we don't have to overcompensate for our clear and present intellect. And not everyone else sounds like an air raid siren when their trying to be articulate. Chew on it for a while.

English majors deserve more credit. We have the literary skills to make better fun of people with other majors. We can make broad generalizations. We can also perpetuate foolish and bewildering stereotypes and pass misconceptions onto others--just like you!

Here's an example: Business majors are all fratboys. Black studies majors are racists. Civil engineers are only in it for the paycheck. Medical field majors are all jews... are you seeing my point?

Pennyless dweeb? Not in this lifetime. I got a full-time, salary paid writing job before I EVEN GRADUATED with my English degree. So next time your floundering English major friends bring you down with their talk of "not being able to find a job" or "how bad working at Best Buy sucks," tell them that they should lay off the Hamms and Hashpipe and focus their attention on their craft and their resume. These bums are in no way representative of the literary community.

Being readerly is not a crime. I know we may seem like we think we're better than you because we grimace during your conversations about Twilight and Harry Potter. Sure, they're coherently written but are they worth reading? Maybe if you're 10. But 23? Shameful.

We were too busy reading Exile and the Kingdom to care about the new armchair phenomenon. Yeah, we may die with some full-ass brains, but that's not a crime either. So find another corner of intellectual America to scrutinize next time you feel insecure enough to pick on the sideburned bookpage outlaws of the academic community.

To all you non-English majors out there: you can thank an English major for any word printed post-2010. And to all you English majors out there: put on some Pinkerton, Simon and Garfunk, Lou, or some Ted. And remember... those guys are all English majors.