Eat a hoof, pay the price

Every once in a while I get the hair-brained idea that it's okay to eat hot dogs. If there are any two rules people should follow it's these two: don't rape and don't eat hot dogs. Today I broke one of those rules by eating a hot dog. I haven't masticated hot dog meat in well over a year so I think I just forgot how god damn hard it is on my stomach. I would equate it to eating staples and bubble gum.

"If a year goes by since you've eaten one, the tendency is to forget about the agonizing pains that are sure to come."
-Adam Shumaker

A few years ago an old roommate of mine used to buy the "BAR-S" 16-packs on a regular basis. These puppies were the bottom of the barrel in the world of hot dogs. I used to eat a lot of them. I'm talking daily. Sometimes for lunch AND dinner. I remember times when I would peel myself out of bed at 3am, get a couple of them out of the fridge, microwave them, and savage them shamelessly in my room like a wolf in a dark cave. Though I have fond memories of those wild iron-stomached days, things have changed for me. I can no longer handle that kind of physical abuse to my stomach. I could hardly handle it then. Today I was reminded of those strange times by eating two of those very same "BAR-S" brand hot dogs. After eating them along with a few handfuls of chips, I became heavily bloated. So bloated, in fact, that my posture changed to the one that fat Elvis had in the seventies before he died taking a shit. I felt like I needed to walk belly first into a fire poker for relief. I walked around with a slight hunch for the rest of the night and I could tell in my shadow that my ass and belly were protruding like someone in bad need of a bowel release. This bloating also came with a terrible case of stomach pains. The ones where you feel like your stomach is juggling a dozen freshly unwrapped razorblades.

Amidst my food consumption tonight, the host of the BBQ I was at explained that it was A-OK to "eat some hooves and assholes" every now and again. I took that advice tonight, but next time I'll think at least twice before I get on my stomach's shit list. I've got a lot of life to live and a lot of potential to spray all over the free world. What I don't have is the humility to walk around like fat Elvis for a night, despite the momentary comfort that warm hoof and asshole provided.